A NEW TYPE OF ROLE PLAY
By Tracy E. Hopkins

The shifting roles of women and men are causing a rift in some relationships. And money (or the lack thereof) is often at the root of the problem.

The stardust was blinding when 32-year-old Beth Montgomery* met Brian Thompson*, 29, at a mutual friend’s house party. Although Thompson didn’t have a college degree, Beverly, a driven healthcare attorney, was attracted to the mailroom clerk’s down-to-earth personality. Eight weeks later, she moved her new man into the Atlanta townhouse she shares with her adolescent daughter. But when Thompson was laid off a few months into their blissful co-habitation, the fairytale romance took a dramatic turn. “Even though I come from a household where my mother had more education than my father, I believe that men should run things in the household,” says Montgomery, a native of St. Louis, Mo.

Montgomery’s expectation is a common one. Although most educated and ambitious sisters won’t sacrifice the careers they’ve worked hard to build in order to revert back to their traditional role as homemakers, we still want our men to hold down the homefront, as they were traditionally programmed to do. “Our society is very focused on money,” says Kumea Shorter-Gooden, Ph.D., a professor of multicultural community/clinical psychology at Alliant International University in Los Angeles and co-author of Shifting: The Double Lives of Black Women in America. “And when men don’t live up to the ideal that they make the most money in the household and can take care of everybody, it’s more problematic for them. It’s particularly problematic for Black men, because sometimes they do really well, and other times, it’s a struggle.” Although Shorter-Gooden asserts that, among Black professionals, men still earn more than women, the dynamic that’s changed is the types of non-traditional career opportunities now offered to women. “We aren’t just teachers, secretaries, and social workers anymore,” says the clinical psychologist. “Now we’re I.T. specialists and managers in Fortune 500 corporations.”

Inevitably, Thompson’s unemployment became a source of conflict in his relationship with Montgomery. “When money problems come up, I get frustrated because I’m with this guy who doesn’t have a job,” says Montgomery, a self-proclaimed Alpha female. How-ever, after more than a year together, she continues to stand by her man. She encouraged Thompson to go to college to pursue his career goals, rather than just take a minimum-wage gig. And while he’s collecting unemployment, he pays for groceries, cooks, and helps care for Montgomery’s 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Despite the tough times, she says she’s gained more than she’s lost, and the couple is even contemplating marriage. “What’s important is that he treats me well,” says Montgomery, who admits to making poor relationship choices in the past. “There are things that I get from this relationship that could not be replaced with money.”

When Love Doesn’t Pay the Rent

Danielle Taylor, a buyer for a prominent book seller, loved her boyfriend of nine years. But unlike Montgomery, Taylor’s financially strained relationship doesn’t have a happy ending.
When the 35-year-old met Jeff Burns, 29, he was singing in a local band in upstate New York, where they both lived. Although Taylor supported Burns’ dream of becoming a successful vocalist, when the couple relocated to Brooklyn, she soon realized that he couldn’t help pay the rent without a real job. “I would suggest going back to school and getting a career to fall back on,” says Taylor, “but he would always think I was nagging.”

Because of Burns’ inability to contribute financially, Taylor lost interest in him sexually. “When you’re resentful and stressed out, you’re not in the mood to be sexy, especially with the person who’s causing you the stress,” she says.

The two have since split, but remain friends. “Neither of us could see each other’s point of view,” says Taylor, who now requires that her next boyfriend be financially stable. “He felt I couldn’t see that he was trying, and I felt he expected things from me that only a happy girlfriend could give him.”

*Names were changed to protect the privacy of the subjects.

Continued in Jewel Magazine Issue #1 - Subscribe Now!